the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
