Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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