She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Randomize
