Who wears a wallet chain?!
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
