I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
