Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize