one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
