last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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