FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Randomize
