I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
