My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
