The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
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