Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
