Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
