he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
