Kiss
Puke
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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