I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
