Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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