I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
