Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
