She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
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