My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Randomize
