Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Randomize
