i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
