Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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