fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Pants are for mortals
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Randomize
