If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
