I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
