I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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