if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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