ya dads aren't the best wingmen
whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
