Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
