I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
me + whiskey = a bad person
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Randomize
