I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
