Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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