I'm pants shitting drunk right now
So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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