Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
