Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
