I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Randomize
