And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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