dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
