New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
