I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
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