Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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