I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Randomize
