Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Congratulations! We have a period
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
