Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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