Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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