Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Randomize
