My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize
