Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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