My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
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