it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
