i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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