Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
He better not be in your backpack
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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