my mouth tastes like poor choices
tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
