is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
